“It’s just an ugly choice” – Neale Whitaker.
That’s SUCH a great hook to keep me watching through to the judging tonight on the first proper room reveal at the Gatwick! Who will it be? My logical brain says don’t get sucked into the editing of Jess reacting but could it be the bath snafu that was so enticing in the promos playing all week for tonight’s episode? Or is it Sara’s Special Garden accoutrement? The splashy down light thingy that maybe Courtney was talking about? Only time will tell. Let’s go!
Oh that’s right, there’s going to be a mirror jetting in from Perth for Norm and Jess, to go with the maple tree secret weapon – hands up if you’ve ever seen a tree sat next to a dunny which Jess assures to us all “rich people love ’em. I read it.” I mustn’t know any rich people.
Spence is grumpy because he’s admitting that doing their own tiling was “an absolute disaster” (all you tilers out there are nodding) on the floor tiles specifically “I was up til 3 in the morning making them all perfect and now they’re all <beeped out expletive>” so because a graphic was put over his mouth I couldn’t lip read but I’m guessing it wasn’t FINE.
Oh that’s right, it’s Saturday so not a complete disaster. Yet. New contestant NORM JESS gives the struggling couple a potential lifeline, telling them about some super dooper super glue:
In a continued reversal of fortune Courtney and Jess couldn’t be happier with their imported demigod builder Dave, and the Foreblokes are getting all Dennis Cometti in their praise of the terrazzo “it’s millimeter perfect”. Which dismays me slightly because I was hoping for a return of Coffee in Cars with Courtney.
Checking in with B&C at the back of The Block in the Penthouse, Scotty tells us they have “failed the perv test” in that potentially people in other apartments will be able to see right into their bathroom to whoever is showering. Will they offer modesty patches at auction or devise some sort of pixelation device on the windows? Ah ok ‘frosted decals’ is the solution! They’re worried about whether the judges will like it or not. Guess there’s no choice though.
GREAT song interlude – Bohemian Like You, Dandy Warhols I never get sick of hearing it.
“Modern Lux Deco” is the theme Sara and Hayden are working towards for their apartment in the original section of The Gatwick, glimpses of them looking through the space suggest there are ceiling roses and some wood paneling to incorporate into their ‘modern’ vision. Not getting much of a vibe of their bathroom but ForeDan is impressed with their progress.
Mirror bringer Amy hits the Block with Jess, and she’s getting the grand tour of the bathroom where Jess proudly displays her Transparent Marble That Lights Up:
So. I vowed to myself I wouldn’t ever be nasty on this blog, or unduly negative. I will wait until I see this ‘feature’ in the context of the whole bathroom. So you won’t hear me call this fugly. Oops that just slipped out. Pardon me.
Back to B&C, they’re being innovative and installing ‘vanity speakers’ (oh do I know a few of them! *boom tish*). A simple setup, all you need is a bluetooth thingy from your phone to operate it and voila music comes out (pairing in this way is always seamless…never any issues…except in my car ‘device not found’ rubbish! It says so on the menu but why not on the display on the console). B has a go and allegedly Screaming Jets plays. No disrespect to the Jets but I am not sure that their song Better was her first choice. Happy to be proved incorrect! Regardless GREAT idea, music in the bathroom is essential.
Dodgy and Wet is the decree from the Foreblokes about the tiling disaster in Kerrie and Spence land, with a question of aesthetics too that makes anyone with unofficial OCD twitch:
Keith grabs Spence for a hard chat which boils down to – you need to get a tiler in. This is not going to go down well. After an ad break a dejected Spence talks about being on an emotional roller coaster (shoulda gotta tiler) and Kerrie keeps an even tone asking what he wants to do despite clearly internally going bezerk. How do I know this? Exhibit number one:
This is about the third time I’ve seen Kerrie fiddle with her hair in a classic stress move! (I do it often. When. You’re. Pretending. Every. Thing. Is. Fine. Yet. You. Are. Twirl. Ling. Like a mother!). When they struggle, you struggle. The struggle is real. It’s good that Sara is thinking Spence is doing too much, maybe you could help him out….direct your energy that way instead of fights over cash haha.
Norm is rallying everyone to help Kerrie and Spence out with a tiler, gawd I’m going to cry too. <Group hug>
Courtney mentions their bathroom is going to have a zen vibe too. General theme coming through this season.
Back to the bathroom of the best couple on the block ever just ask them we see the installation of their secret weapon – so a vertical garden’s just pots on a wall frame? Ok
Up in B&C’s penthouse, a tradie has to ask Bianca to help install a blind in the skylight cause he can’t reach
As a short arse, it’s really frustrating when you can’t do something especially if you’re already artificially elevated, we do give thanks to our lanky friends sincerely. But Foredan is thinking that they’re all having too much shenanigans and the power tools deadline is looming. Chop chop!
<Wish the tool up the road from me adhered to the 5pm Saturday deadline but enough about me>
Oooh yisss now we get to see bath-gate! Jess Jess Jess Jess Jess! Was the price of said bath not an indication that it was fibreglass not stone if you weren’t prepared to touch it in the shop? Deary me.
“Don’t crack it mate. Bloody Hell. People are dying and you’re cracking it about me talkin’ about a bath”, Jess to husband Norm, while lying down in her fibreglass cocoon, taking it lying down but not taking lying down she’s back on her favourite app Gumtree to find a replacement late on a Saturday afternoon. No problem. Bingo Bango Norm should never have doubted his wife.
Ugh of course Sara and Hayden finished ahead of schedule
How my face actually looked in response to this news.
The program goes back to Kerrie and Spence, it’s actually too depressing for me to comment on. It’s about dinner time and everyone’s beavering away, Jess probably out getting her bath from who knows where and then the cameras find Sara and Hayden out and about
Divine, they’ve ducked next door to Tolarno for what looks like an espresso Martini sitting under one of the famous Mirka Mora murals. Tolarno opened in the 1950s and has had various incarnations over the years but it’s back being a boutique Hotel upstairs, gallery space out the back, and bar and restaurant in the front. A very important part of St Kilda, and Melbourne’s history somewhere my parents used to go when they first moved to St Kilda in the 70s and somewhere I used to go when I first moved to St Kilda in the 90s, friends working there at that time creating a long lasting community and I am loving its new resurgence too.
About 20 meters back down to the Block Jess and a couple of blokes in trakkie dacks help the delivery driver with her Stone Bath Mark II.
Oh no. You’re kidding… surely not…
So all the reaction is, is: perfect, great colour…it will mean whether they win or lose. My spidey senses tell me Jess has been duped again.
Lots of late night painting and fixing of stuff. Then fast forward to morning and the telltale shots of Scotty strolling through checking his watch means it’s almost crunch time. But are they ready? Like really ready? Red red ready red rooster ready?
Palais theatre *drink* Aw they’ve made the Reveal Room look like the interior of The Palais, with a Luna Park back drop. Purdy.
Scotty gives the winners and losers chat but pumps em up about how hard they’ve all been working. Claps all round. Whatever show us the money!
Another introduction for: dapper Neale, interiors Darren and interiors Shaynna Blaze (always have to go with both names for the judging queen)
Oh that’s right, Gnomey! Scotty explains it holds a bonus point and that Kerrie and Spence can use that if need be to bump up their score. But WE all know that that’s not possible because we’re clever and have been watching the whole show… the gnome somehow ended up in bed with Jess. So who knows where it is now!? *que horror sound effects*
Recap time for Kerrie and Spence’s week (it wasn’t great). The sweeping footage of their finished bathroom defies the tears and trauma of how they put it together. Just. Shaynna starts of strong, liking the entrance adding “knock out execution” and doesn’t feel hurried. Is she in the right room? Ticks for storage. Yeah yeah. OOh floor flaws are finally noticed. Neale saying it’s a polite bathroom, whatever that means…guess it doesn’t scream “get off fatty” if you step onto the scales and look into the mirror.
Courtney and Hans’ recap ends with what is essentially relief. They’re happy. The judges froth over the terrazzo (which turns out to be fake terrazzo which is a positive appaz). I have terrazzo in my bathroom and while it’s FREEEZING in winter it does look hot and why I wanted to move into this rental property. Inexpensive and functional but not ‘cheap’. And they take time to note the perimeter lighting that Courtney was so proud of. But I have to go back how good are these towels!
The takedown: painting not finished and some beads of LED showing. But then Shaynna waves her cat o nine tales wrist adornment some more saying how much she loves the face planter, and the hanging plant to add much needed respite from a big white box.
To the team who reckon they’ve got it sewn up, Hayden and Sara. I’m really trying with all my might to be positive but I’m actually not that nice. I’m getting excited as the music turns dark and dramatic with the judges about to enter the bathroom and I swear to god I hear one of them sigh/grunt at sight of the vertical garden…. *does a mini happy dance* I’m not sure about mulberry towels. What’s the bet though that they’re dragging it out and showing lots of stern faces to draw me into a fail when in fact…
“I’m not liking anything I’m seeing in here” says Dapper Neale.
NO! Not a freaking ad break…. Now I’m going to have to pace to the kitchen to make another cup of tea, wringing my hands wondering if they’ll do that old switcharoo chestnut “I’m not liking anything I’m seeing in here… I’m LOVING IT”. F&*K
*breathing into a paper bag* we’re back from the adbreak
Sara looks like she’s stepped in dog poo which is seeping in between her toes.
Neale continues on and it’s not good. And now I feel slightly mean. The bathroom isn’t big enough for all the stuff they’ve crammed in.
Of that garden “It’s just so over the top, it’s just an ugly choice”.
Now Sara looks like that dog poo has seeped from her toes up her legs. Oh dear. That would hurt. Burn in fact.
I bet you Foreman Keith is sitting at home watching this with a froffie laughing his head off.
Not even ShaynnaBlaze can find positivity “It’s very weak styling” and if Neale hasn’t already had enough to say he chucks in a “It’s very dated” final knock out punch. Darren? Anything to add? No. ShaynnaBlazeTM corrects and says the taps are great. End on a high. Oh Darren finds his feet and mouth and says he likes how the tiles go from floor and continue up the wall. There’s a bit of a lightbulb moment where Darren asks about paying homage to the deco influence…why not buy proper deco lights? I’m not sure about those carriage things. There’s about a hundred shops in Armadale they could go to for original.
Back to my comfort zone:
Norm and Jess! We’ll finally find out if their replacement bath is also a waste of time, effort and money. Jess is happy “we’ve outdone ourselves, didn’t think we could create something so flash!”
Darren has some sort of mouthgasm and looks like he’s seen heaven. “How could you not choose this apartment!?” Luxury of extreme height means the japanese maple is given a hundred ticks by the judges. Well done Jess, you’ve read the right books. ShaynnaBlazedotcom is enjoying the backlit ‘marble’ I’m sorry for questioning it the other day.
Scotty brings the bad news and after some footage of the judges doing some knuckle tapping – the stupid bath is stupid. It’s not stone. Again. Seriously how. I can’t even bring myself to trotting out a proverb about shy and twice!
And I’m glad I didn’t bother because Scotty continues with the good news that the judges actually think it’s some kind of genius move! Praising them for their practicality! But points off for below average storage and a crap towel rail position. Norms reaction to Jess is “Yeah, where were you on that numnuts”? LOL
We then get a peak into their bedroom at home and Jess’ floordrobe is pretty good, I strongly identify
B&C “netted themselves a penthouse”, their week wasn’t great but it was looking better on the last day. Oh so I thought they found heaven in the other penthouse but no, it’s this one – officially. Finally someone notices the wooden slatted ceiling! Always look up kids! Neale says ‘I am offended’ oh they knew the frosting was going to be controversial. Ah of course the vanity cabinet speaker! How quickly I forgot. Who stores their towels in the bathroom cabinets? Isn’t that what hall cupboards are for?
Darren’s giving 8s out freely. Even for Hayden and Sara! But Kerrie and Spence just miss out with a 7.5…
ShaynnaBlaze what Norm and Jess got less than B & C? They were equal, surely. Oh no but now Hayden and Sara’s score… I was going to grab Sara’s face but check out Courtney’s reaction! Sums it up well
A 6.5 is way harsh but Sara seems to take it as well as can be expected
So Courtney and Hans get an 8 and a half too, so up with B&C.
Scotty tallys it all up with Neale’s numbers… who’s it going to be? Norm and Jess or Courtney and Hans?
Oh half a point in it!? Let me guess… it’s Norm and Jess behind…where’s that gnome?
Nup I was wrong, in a look that screams “You’re shitting me!” it’s All Hans!
And Courtney. Brilliant!
The first room reveal winds up and everyone’s driving back to The Block. This looks like fun!
Might be an indication of what’s to come in week two of The Block Gatwick. Guest Bedroom Week. Huzzah!